Crafting Conscience in Your Child 10 Things Parents Can Do by Thomas H. Groome (professor of theology and religious education at Boston College School of Theology and Ministry) published on March 02, 2020 in the Boston College Publication C21 Resources
(begin) While parents are readily recognized as primary in forming the superego, they can also be most effective in forming the conscience of their children (see “The Call to Grow in Love” in this issue for the distinctive functions of superego and conscience). Though abstract moral reasoning is not developmentally possible before the teenage years (Piaget, Kohlberg, etc.) yet parents can encourage concrete moral reasoning in children from an early age that can help to form their conscience. For example, the general principles of social justice are likely beyond their reach, yet they can learn how and why to be fair to siblings and friends and be encouraged to play fair. Here are 10 practical things parents can do to form their children in a Christian conscience.
(1) Help them do moral reasoning for themselves: While conscience has an effective component (feeling comfort or discomfort), unlike the superego it is primarily an ability to make reasoned moral decisions. So help your child to understand and practice the reasoning involved in making good decisions. This means encouraging them to consider the concrete circumstances involved, the likely consequences of a particular action, the moral teachings of Christian faith (can be as simple as “what would Jesus do?”), and then to draw upon their own innate sense of right and wrong to come to a practical decision.
(2) Affirm their innate goodness: Children tend to live up — or down to — the self-image we project onto them. A Catholic theology of the person favors our innate goodness rather than inherent sinfulness; even doing bad things does not make one a bad person. So, better to say to a child, “You are not a liar, so why are you lying?” Or “You are not a thief, so why did you steal?” To declare them a liar or thief — as if inherently so — is likely to encourage them in such behavior.
(3) Draw out their story: When your child faces a moral dilemma, talk it out with them. First, hear their own story about it, how they see the issue, its concrete circumstances, and potential consequences. This will entail asking them good reflective questions that draw upon their own inner moral sense; encouraging them to use this capacity will develop it. As such a conversation unfolds and as appropriate, share your own sense of what is right or wrong in this regard, the teachings of Christian faith on the issue, and the reasons for this teaching. Then, rather than a fiat or directive by you as a parent, invite them to see for themselves what is the best thing to do and to make their own decision — unless they choose one harmful or unfair to themselves or others. Then have them take responsibility for the decisions they make and the consequences.
(4) Share how your own conscience works: An invaluable source of conscience formation for your children is your own example as you put your conscience to work in the affairs of daily life. They will learn from your example. Add to its good effect by taking time — at least occasionally — to explain why you act so, your moral reasoning and faith-based rationale for the decisions you make.
(5) Try democratic family conversation: When there are moral issues involved for the whole family, encourage all the members to speak their word of conscience and let them be heard. Try to reach consensus. Should you need to make a different decision as parent, explain your rationale.
(6) Practice compassion and justice within and outside the family: Doing works of compassion for those in need, both inside and outside of the family, it is most likely to form this disposition in your children. The same can be said of doing acts of justice as a family together. Take teachable moments, as well, for conversations that reflect on the need to reform cultural mores and social structures that are unjust and oppressive.
(7) Let the whole ethos of the home reflect social responsibility: This can include a myriad of practices like truth telling, showing empathy, respecting one another’s person and property, avoiding language patterns that reflect bias of any kind (based on race, gender, ethnicity, economics), good listening to each other, following the rules in family games, reducing, reusing, and recycling, energy efficiency, not wasting food or water, celebrating one another’s gifts, etc.
(8) Favor restorative justice: When there needs to be “consequences” for poor decisions, imagine ways to practice restorative justice. This means to offset the consequences of a poor decision by doing the contrary. For example, going something mean can be corrected by a loving deed in restitution and, if possible, for the person wronged.
(9) Remember mercy and forgiveness: Remind your child that when he/she does something wrong, there is always the ready offer of forgiveness from you and from God. As Jesus said, quoting the prophet Hosea, “It is mercy I desire, not sacrifice” (Mt 9:13). You might even take such a teachable moment to remind them of the rich Catholic tradition of a sacrament of reconciliation. They may not need it often, but they will likely need it sometime!
(10) When needed, apologize yourself: When you do something wrong and contrary to your conscience which negatively affects your family, admit your fault rather than covering for it. If you do something wrong against your child, be sure to apologize directly and ask for mercy. All parents make mistakes or poor moral judgements at times; you help to form their conscience when you say to a child, in one way or another, “I did wrong, I am sorry, please forgive me.”
If only we parents heeded these 10 suggestions!
Deacon David Pierce
Comments
Post a Comment
Please THINK before you write!